


Losing Thessia

by thenakednymph



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-04-02 17:34:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4068625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenakednymph/pseuds/thenakednymph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard's resolve crumbles after losing Thessia to the Reapers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing Thessia

**Author's Note:**

> I have so many feels about losing Thessia so this happened. I really needed my Shepard to just break down about it. She had such a weight riding on her shoulders. She needs to remember she's not alone.

The doors hiss shut behind her and Shepard loses it. She barely waits for the seals on her helmet to release before she's tearing it from her head and hurling it across her cabin with a scream. With the biotic upgrades Cerberus has given her and all the heavy cybernetic weaves in her bones and muscles used to piece her back together, she's a lot stronger than any normal human, or biotic for that matter. She throws the helmet with more force than she's expecting and it shatters a display, lodging itself deep inside the on board computer in one of her walls. Some distant part of her winces at the damage, guilt tugging at her. She hadn't meant to do that it just...She huffs and turns her back on it. Just one more thing to make her feel worse.

 Sparks fly, skittering across the floor as the display flickers and dies. Tears streak Shepard's cheeks as her heart breaks for Thessia. She'd kept her helmet on all the way back to the Normandy and in the elevator to her cabin, not wanting the crew to see, to hear, but now there's no one around and her resolve breaks, a sob rising in her throat. Someone knocks on the door but Shepard is too far gone to pull it back together in time. All she can do is turn towards the doors as they hiss open, agony raw and open on her face.

It's Garrus who steps inside and all she can do is keen in despair and relief at the sight of him, sounding like a wounded animal. She meets him at the base of the stairs, going up on her toes to wrap her arms around him, holding him so tightly her arms ache. He's popping the seals on her armor before she realizes it and piece by piece he helps her shed it until she's only wearing the thin second skin that connects her body's rhythms to the medical interface of her armor and its defensive systems.

Kicking off the last of it Shepard steps into his embrace and Garrus lifts her in his arms, supporting her hips as she wraps her legs around his waist, every movement mechanical, numb. He carries her to the bed but this isn't about sex. He sits down on the edge of it, just holding her, and Shepard buries her face against his neck. Without her armor his grip is painfully tight as Garrus crushes her against his chest, pressing the air from her lungs, but it's what she needs. His arms are there, supporting her, holding her as she shakes apart against him.

Inspite of the pain she feels like she can breathe for the first time, like she can finally take a deep breathe since Kai Leng escaped with the data on Thessia and her team could only stand there and watch as another planet fell to the Reapers. Garrus' subvocals are thrumming and distantly she's reminded of a cat's purr, the vibration against her cheek helping to ground her.

"Shh," he soothes, rocking her back and forth and she realizes she's mumbling, nothing coherent, just a smattering of sounds and shapes without meaning and forces herself to stop. "It's all right."

She shakes her head against him, crying harder. "We lost it, all of it. Everything is- I can'- I can't-" Her breath comes in hiccupping gasps and she knows she's hyperventilating but she can't stop.

"-death. Lost Thessia, Palaven, -Earth." She tries to say more, she knows she isn't making sense but her voice cracks and she sobs.

Garrus squeezes her tighter before rubbing a hand up and down her back. "It isn't actually your responsibility to save the entire galaxy Shepard," he whispers, tilting his head closer to her ear. "We all have to stand together and fight back. It's everyone's responsibility to do their part." His hand settles between her shoulder blades, firm and reassuring. "You're just one woman. You did what you could to warn them." His mandible brushes against her hair, ruffling it. "It's not your fault they didn't listen."

"But I could have-" she argues.

Garrus cuts her off. "You can't make them believe," he says firmly. "And it's not over yet. You're still here.” He squeezes her hip gently. “We can still get the data back. There's still a chance." He pulls away from her, cupping her face in his hands and wiping away her tears. "Just breathe, that's all you have to do right now. Breathe."

She forces herself to take one slow deep breath after another and after a few minutes it's easier. "That's my girl." Garrus smiles, smoothing her hair back and she turns into his hand. Shepard's still crying, but the madness of it has faded, numbness setting in and she lets it, using it to try and mask the pain. Her teeth are chattering.

"I'm so sorry," she mumbles, her thoughts on Palaven, knowing the turians have finally pulled back their fleet, abandoning both the planet and Manae to the Reaper forces. "We've just lost so many." She scrubs at her face with her hands, ashamed of her tears.

"I've lost so many of them. And it's not just this damn war. It goes all the way back to Mindoir, Akuze, Virmire- my parents, my team, Kaidan, I've lost them all. And now Mordin and Thane and Legion and I don't know how many more I can-" Her vision blurs and she hangs her head, trying to steady her voice. "I'm tired of losing people I love." She bites her lip and looks at Garrus, struggling to put words to what she's feeling.

"It's like every time people put me in charge and trust me with their lives they wind up dead. And now an entire galaxy trusts me to save them." Her cheeks are raw and flushed, the tears leaving tracks through the grime on her face. "We've lost half our systems to Reaper control." She shakes her head, her lips thinning into a dismayed smile. "I think I'm cursed." Laughter froths up out of her like fluid from her lungs, flecking the air and she crumples against Garrus, her forehead resting against his chest. "I don't know how many more I can lose," she confesses. "And I know I'm going to. This war is going to kill us all."

Garrus pulls her closer, cradling her body against his and letting her cry. "Then at least we'll all be together."

 


End file.
